Reasoning and doubts

The boring and trivial life of a bipolar lesbian mother

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It Really Is Different When You're Older...
Some people say you might see the change coming from a distance. Others may say it hits all at once. When you get older, perhaps it's just a mix of both. More like someone, or something sets off the change all at once. But once it hits, you do recognize it as it occurs.
More often than not, it does ground you. I spoke of forgetting humility to my sister the other day. I am beginning to see it with more clarity now. One bad episode with a boss broke me and I allowed it to. My quips went too far and I was reminded of my place. Things haven't been the same since between he and I.
So in other places, I have stiffled my care-free attitude. Heavier is my heart to show and more conservitative my public persona. When I come home...(things have improved by the way) I shore up more often and realize I lash out a bit more when the storm passes. I reside in my shelter reflecting a bit more on things I have forgotten for far too long.

There are thoughts you wrestle with that 20 years ago, I didn't ever consider in such a way as I do now. What's my heart doing under this rib cage? When does the cancer start after 21 years of smoking? Why has my metabolism slowed down so much and left me with this excess baggage? When did my boobs drop? WTF? How the fuck do I get the kid's college taken care of? Where the fuck is that money going to come from? What do prositutes make now hmmm? Kidding...

Now I think of Monte and what I'm witnessing these days. Alzheimers is so very aggressive in her family. All of the maternal side of her mother and 3 of 7 kids showing signs now that they have it. Two dignosed with it for sure and institutionalized. She worries me by the things she does, by the way she can only focus a certain way and everything else becomes forgotten so easily and quickly. I may not describe it all clearly here, but I promise, for me, being so intimate with her, I see enough to worry. Maybe I have with her lucidly about 15 years left. Less if it gets as aggressive as it has with her siblings.

Things really are different when you're older. I understand the worry part now.

Now on a different scale of radomness:

I don't understand people getting disability for anxiety issues and can't hold a job.
you are lazy
How are these other folks getting ssi and they are working on their cars, buying their beer, and beating their women?
you are lazy assholes from your lazy mothers
Obama isn't such a big deal after all
and republicans are dicks too btw
I don't like hypochondriacs at all. How can you be so needy for this shit? up
but then I was off for days for a hitch in my giddy up...but that was the first time in years btw

And I'm so middle-age I am admitting to watching for the first time American Idol and loving it.
I'm for Haley btw and maybe Casey

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It's funny you are talking about aging and such in general here. Just yesterday, my boss and I were talking over lunch (she is about 10 years older than me, I'm mid-40's) about how we don't *feel* our ages. My birthday was last month, and again, I'm just shocked to have to say my age... mentally (well, not *mentally* but you know what I mean... on the inside) I feel like I'm somewhere in the early 20's. I keep wondering what the fuck happened to my life!?

My step-father is in early alzheimer's. His mother had it, but very late in her life (she was probably late 70's before she really showed signs), Dad is only 70. I'm worried about him, and my mother, and what his life will be like in a few years. My Mom's mom died at age 91 from complications, but she had been basically bedridden and non-functional for close to a decade before that.

I've watched Idol, but after the past couple of seasons when the "wrong" (in my not so humble opinion) person won, I've boycotted it. Plus, since tax season just ended, I haven't had time for any TV. Certainly didn't want to get caught up in yet another show!

Good thoughts that Monte is the exception that proves the rule, and if not, that they find either a cure or some better treatment for it before she gets bad.


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