Reasoning and doubts

The boring and trivial life of a bipolar lesbian mother


One by one they leave...
cwnojr
Over the summer, against my daughter's protests, she went with my mom to visit some extended family in Mo. They drove together the long drive up, my mother making it a point to visit her two aunts and her cousin while there. Now, through the years being still fond of the memory of my grandfather, I knew my daughter felt the same way about a man she never knew at all. So when she met Aunt Bee and they spoke for a bit about little things and current things, somewhere in the middle of their brief bonding moment, Aunt Bee said something my daughter was thrilled and surprised to hear.
"You may be a Taylor honey, but I see Goldsmith in you and there's no doubt you're a Goldsmith" she told her.
Later on, when my daughter came home, she beemed from ear to ear and told me what she said. I knew she would never forget that comment nor the sister of her great-grandfather that said it. Come to find out, the dreaded trip with her grandmother wasn't so bad after all. As a mother, I was just as proud as I could be for her to meet and get to know, if only for a moment, some of the roots of her family that she had never known.
A couple of weeks ago, Aunt Bee passed away at the vibrant age of 94. Instantly, I regretted not going up with my mother and daughter to visit when I had the opprotunity. I was quickly comforted by the fact that these two women had the chance to make the trip as I knew it was something my mother had wanted to do for quite some time. When I told Elise of the passing of her great aunt, she did feel a bit sadden by the death of a women she had grown fond of so quickly and easily. But she recalled how she still cherished the comment made during the course of the meeting.
Last month, I took my daughter with me to visit my mom in Oklahoma for her 65th birthday. During that visit, I wanted to stop in a check once more on my grandmother still getting by in the shell of a body she was trapped in at 93. Demitia is a very bad visitor that never leaves and haunts all who see its' mark.
Barbara, my grandmother is a few days away from turning 94 by the way and is a shell of the woman she was.
She was so ahead of other women of her generation. She built and flew model airplanes and at one time, she was number one in the nation

Can you imagine? Her idols of the time were Charles Lindberg or Amelia Earhart...Folks we see on the History Channel all the time, was news that she ate up and looked forward to reading about for the very first time back then. Sometime later she learned to fly and wanted to become a commercial pilot. Story goes in the family, that due to her wearing 'glasses' she was declined. Let me remind you, it was as simply as "Women don't pilot" back then. Good ol' boys kinda thing.
So when WWII broke out, adventure was right around the corner right? Not exactly...the Army had no real use for women in their ranks back then, even as a WAAC or WASP...so when they wanted to send her to the same school twice in a row...she left...
It was getting late into her 20's when women her age were already married and had a couple of kids under her belt, but Barbara waited...by the time she met Jim, by those standards back then, she was 'long in the tooth' kinda thing...But marry Jim she did and they shared their lives together for 51 years...
My grandfather left one day after getting severely sick. He realized he didn't want his beloved taking care of him, with the new fangled oxygen tank and hose and weaker than he had ever been. So he walked out to the backyard (oxygen tank in tow---kinda funny if you think about it) and sat next to the big oak tree and raised a gun to his head...
My grandmother never understood why her best friend, lover, companion and husband left her, to this day she waters her eyes by the mere mention of the name "Jim". He broke her heart and never thought of that while he walked to the yard. Never thought of the first 3 month old granddaughter he could have easily fell in love with. He broke a lot of hearts that later summer day and he's missed every day, every hour from all his girls.
Now, Barbara has aged far more than we ever thought, a life that seems cruel to continue. Less than 100lbs and lying in a bed far more than the hours of the day are. She begs to die and leave this world just so she can see all those people she mentions at random...but most of all of course to see once again...her Jim.

forgetting to write
cwnojr
well I am no good anymore about keeping up with all this...however, I haven't missed much since there is some spam going around in livejournal...idiots...

Promoted at work without title or raise...hard to explain, however, I'm out of the field, and only demolishing houses...yeahhhhh...

Monte and I are approaching 9 years together...yippee

Down to one cat now...Boots, died through a dog attack back in May...sure do miss that boy...

Kid is 15 and learning to drive...I've had nearly 3 heart attacks...or really big panic attacks...not by her driving, just my nerves as her mother.

Grandma is nearly just waiting to die...talks about it all the time...doesn't know who I am anymore...

My mom got facebook...ugh

More to come...and how are you doing? LOL

It Really Is Different When You're Older...
cwnojr
Some people say you might see the change coming from a distance. Others may say it hits all at once. When you get older, perhaps it's just a mix of both. More like someone, or something sets off the change all at once. But once it hits, you do recognize it as it occurs.
More often than not, it does ground you. I spoke of forgetting humility to my sister the other day. I am beginning to see it with more clarity now. One bad episode with a boss broke me and I allowed it to. My quips went too far and I was reminded of my place. Things haven't been the same since between he and I.
So in other places, I have stiffled my care-free attitude. Heavier is my heart to show and more conservitative my public persona. When I come home...(things have improved by the way) I shore up more often and realize I lash out a bit more when the storm passes. I reside in my shelter reflecting a bit more on things I have forgotten for far too long.

There are thoughts you wrestle with that 20 years ago, I didn't ever consider in such a way as I do now. What's my heart doing under this rib cage? When does the cancer start after 21 years of smoking? Why has my metabolism slowed down so much and left me with this excess baggage? When did my boobs drop? WTF? How the fuck do I get the kid's college taken care of? Where the fuck is that money going to come from? What do prositutes make now hmmm? Kidding...

Now I think of Monte and what I'm witnessing these days. Alzheimers is so very aggressive in her family. All of the maternal side of her mother and 3 of 7 kids showing signs now that they have it. Two dignosed with it for sure and institutionalized. She worries me by the things she does, by the way she can only focus a certain way and everything else becomes forgotten so easily and quickly. I may not describe it all clearly here, but I promise, for me, being so intimate with her, I see enough to worry. Maybe I have with her lucidly about 15 years left. Less if it gets as aggressive as it has with her siblings.

Things really are different when you're older. I understand the worry part now.


Now on a different scale of radomness:

I don't understand people getting disability for anxiety issues and can't hold a job.
you are lazy
How are these other folks getting ssi and they are working on their cars, buying their beer, and beating their women?
you are lazy assholes from your lazy mothers
Obama isn't such a big deal after all
and republicans are dicks too btw
I don't like hypochondriacs at all. How can you be so needy for this shit?
Wussies...man up
but then I was off for days for a hitch in my giddy up...but that was the first time in years btw


And I'm so middle-age I am admitting to watching for the first time American Idol and loving it.
I'm for Haley btw and maybe Casey

Still
cwnojr

She's in Hot Springs today. Doing what I got in trouble for doing with her there last week. I'm human, I'm pissed. No I wound not have gone, however, she's taking more and more time away from us. I'm feeling it, she's not aware enough of these things to notice.
Pay attention.

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The Fight
cwnojr
It was a quick, loud, and stupid fight this morning. Berating me about losing money at the casino yesterday. She couldn't understand losing when I was ahead. That's gambling. That's my weakness. I never spent more than I could afford to lose and what I loss, it was extra unexpected money ....so what doe it matter.
For a minute when it endd, I thought of things I could do and none of them was pleasant...each thought more self destructive than the last. This will be a long dreaded week as it will take days for us to overcome the other's anger. Not a good time in my head right now...but Laura slid some comfort my way and said it was indeed a stupid fight. As heading there was Monte's idea and she knew how I was anyway. Monte's arguement is that I don't know when to stop. My weakness is a table or two and I make sure I steer clear for years at a time. I don't even by lotto tickets and scratch offs when I know I can.

Bad day...bad vibes...

However, we were due for a fight after many years without....so I just got to find a way to shake this off for awhile.

Forgetting this time
cwnojr
When I was so much younger, I wrote all the time. Youth fills you with passion and the feeling of 'yearning'. However, I have learned that as I've grown older, there isn't as much of a need to write down your thoughts and feelings. There seems to be a sense of contentment the older you get. It is for me anyway.
I see the need and the passion arise in my daughter, I see the restlessness set in and I know there isn't much I can do to ease her yearning but to keep her patient and certain of her path. No more I can do for her. As she is a teenager, my stories are running their course with her and she thinks she has heard them all, but I know she still misses their points when told. All I can do is shake my head.
The seasons keep changing and I'm still here and stay the course, no longer waiting for something in which I have forgotten long ago, but waiting now to see how the story ends with her leaving and me being alone again. I'm talking about the 3 years I have left of my beloved daughter still under foot. As the school year ends and another is gettng prepared, my countdown begins. I don't know if I can handle her leaving bravely at all. What then will there be for me to do?
Small things I think of ....little yet to be's that begin to weigh on my mind and all I can do is watch them unfold before my eyes.

I do believe the great depression I've been putting off for quite some time, will come into my soul and grab hold of my heart and never let go when this shoe does indeed drop.

Been long time.
cwnojr

Maybe I can do better?

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(no subject)
cwnojr

Another cat has passed away. I hate losing these animals. Tigger last year and now Taz this weekend. All I have left is Blue and Boots. Dogs left are Casey and Key. House is quiet without Taz. Too quiet. Sure do miss that boy.

They get to you more when you realize they're gone. I took for granted that they'll always be there. I was wrong....so wrong.

The Unforgotten Stolen Poem
cwnojr
I made it a point in Amarillo in 88 to memorize this poem LD had on her wall. Thought it was beautiful and never forgot the words...although I did omit a stanza thinking it silly a bit...it was written anonymously....

If I found a wistful unicorn and brought him to you all forelorn,
would you pet him?
If I took an empty midnight train, across the country, in the rain,
would you meet me?
If I climbed backwards, up a tree, and called for you to follow me,
would you do it?
If I said I could dance for you, as hard as that would be for me to do,
would you watch me?
If all that I would want to do, would be to sit and talk with you,
would you listen?

If any of these things you'll do,
I'll never have to say to you,
do you love me?

8th grade graduation
cwnojr

Well she's out of junior high school and will begin her 9th grade this fall. Thursday night was beautiful, she was beautiful. Her friends spent the night afterwards and sometime after midnight, my heeler sprained her tail. How a dog can sprain a tail is beyond my understanding. But it takes a $350.00 ER visit in the middle of the night to find this out!

Elise is gone for 4 days with her group from church sight seeing somewhere up north of the state and I miss the brat.

yes...boys are starting to notice her....wtf?

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